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Being Kind


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#1 Guest_poise_*

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Posted 24 July 2007 - 10:00 PM

Asalaamu Alaykum,

Thanks for the replies.

Edited by poise, 31 July 2007 - 01:22 PM.


#2 MissPink

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 05:30 AM

Assalamu alaikom sister poise IPB Image

Masha'Allah I was just cracking up over something you posted in one of our other current topics... hehehe, you're so cute and bright, masha'Allah.

Just the fact that you care about your relationship with your sister speaks volumes about your character and personality.  

You've been through a lot the past few years, and on top of that you're going through the lovely TEEN years!!!  Yay!  Big mix of emotional turmoil... all for you to sort through.

I'm sure it's not easy to be the older sister to a sister who you feel has it easier than you do.  While I really don't feel like I  have any good advice (for one i don't have a sister, and secondly you're in a unique family situation) I just want to offer you my support.  
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Maybe you can confide in your dad just in broad terms that you are having a hard time connecting with lil sis and that you're afraid you're getting too negative with her.  Maybe he can help lighten the mood.  Also, give yourself some mental and emotional space from her... meaning don't let yourself get worked up over anything about her.  Give yourself space from her without actually leaving the house.. know what I mean?

Insha'Allah some of that can help.  Make dua' for Allah to increase your love and patience for her.  And insha'Allah don't ever worry about your own mothering skills!!! When it's your own children it's a whoooooole different story... for sure!


Love,
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#3 Ummohamed1

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 06:56 AM

Asalamu alaykum

Sister a BIG HUG for u. MashaAllah u are a really nice and inteliggent person seeing from your posts. I know this situation is not easy. Make dua Sister that Allah will help u bond with your Sister inshaAllah. She is also your half sister only, it is a bit different then being from the same mother. But believe me sometimes it happens between real sisters. I have a sister she is 3 and a half years younger than me, and has totally different personality. She was the small, my parents especially my father cared about her a lot more, and it was really a bad feeling for me and I think coz of all this and coz she used this we were not good sisters at all untill she became around 17 SubhanAllah. But now she is still different especially coz she is not Muslim but we love each other very much and InshaAllah she wants to come to live here where I am, away from our parents, I mean to a different country. InshaAllah make dua Sister.

Fi aman Allah
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#4 zzz81

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 08:57 AM

Assalamu alaikum,

from what you said I see that she just wants to be with her big sister. Her being horrible to you, annoying, messing up your room, this is just call for attention. She probably admires you, wants to be like you and being horrible is one of the easiest ways to get your attention.

When I was a kid and complained about some guys at school always picking up at me, I was told that they must looooove me  cool.gif . And me noticing them, even being upset at them, was the best reward they could get smile.gif

This mental block you have, you have to fight it (if you want to). It won't go away unless you do something about it. Actually it will get harder and harder to change later on. The older you get the harder it will be to get down to her and talk to her like to a normal being. I didn't catch her age (and your age) but really, it's not about you not being a nice person, it's about your relationship with her.

With Allah's help you can do it. Don't expect to be best buddies from the beginning, start slowly with good morning and passing her food at the table, for example. Don't push yourself too much because they you will just retreat back to your safe mode. Take baby steps and InshaAllah, your relationship will improve.

I have similar problem only it's with my father. Many things happened over the years and I somehow cannot forget... So I do understand you.

Z.

#5 Veronica

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 12:46 PM

Assalamu aleikum

Wow, that's tough  sad.gif .

Well, like you said, I don't think this is a problem between just the two of you - it is the whole family situation. You'd be superhuman not to be bothered by this thing with your mother and feeling like your fathers new family is the "real" one. That hurts just to read about honestly.

But you can't change that. I don't think that you are a cold, unkind person at all. You are a muslima and those things are incompatible. And don't even worry about becoming a mother one day - motherhood is like nothing else.
The only thing in this situation that you can change is your behaviour towards her. You can't change her behaviour, you can't change the past, truly, the only thing you can change is your behaviour.

You don't have to love her. But islamically, you have to treat her well. This is what you wrote:
"Like, I'd ignore her when she talked to me, not look at her during meals, make faces when she did things I disliked, and generally show via body language that I did not want to see or hear her."

I can tell you that this is not pleasing to Allah, and you are hurting yourself by acting like that. Try to think about it that way.  

I can also tell you that those sentences describe exactly how my stepfather used to treat me when I lived at home, and I can tell you what it did to me. I HATE him. He crushed my selfasteem completely. Any time I opened my mouth, he would act like the thing I said was the stupidest thing he had ever heard, and eventually I would stop speaking. I stayed in my room all the time at home, did not even join the family for dinner, and stopped speaking in school. I remember how the other students used to ask me "Hey, why don't you ever say anything, I don't think I have ever heard your voice!" Still, whenever I have had a conversation, I go over the things I said again and again in my mind afterwards, finding faults with everything.
You really don't have the right to do that to her, and obviously you know it and want to change it, so that's good.

Okey, my baby woke up so I have to go!



#6 kuching48

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 01:23 PM

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

I have two younger sisters, and I think it is impossible to 'get on' with them all of the time lol...

Try to find some activities to share - sports, reading, cooking etc.

I tease my little sister a lot, but she knows I love her - I guess I used to be like her second mum, as there are twelve years between us.

Take her to activities, go shopping together, plan little trips/outings, ask her to help you with arabic, and InshaAllah, the more time you spend together, the closer you will become.

When I got married, my little sister became more 'distant', but with a little bit of effort, we are becoming much closer again.

Also, do try to pray together sometimes, even if you feel your concentration will be disturbed at first, InshaAllah you will get used to it - and think of the rewards.

Everyone goes through ups and downs with their siblings, but often just spending a bit more time together and doing something 'pleasant' is all it takes.

Take care, and May Allah make the bond and love between you and your sister grow, Ameen

Wassalam Aisha



#7 Muslimah72

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 01:41 PM

Asalam Alykum. I agree with sis Miss Pink, you're a crack up...and very intelligent in your wording and mentality, Masha'Allah.

Sister Poise, I've heard a million times that the relationship you have with a sibling(s) is the most important one. Yes, a spouse is half our deen...but if you divorce (which Insha'Allah this never happens) your husband is no longer your family, no matter how many kids you've had with him. Parents usually leave this world before us (Allah Alim), and extended families will have their own responsibilities to deal with...and friends can come and go. Your sister is the only human being that will share all stages of your life, Insha'Allah.  She's a memory of your youth (which Insha'Allah if you have kids they would not of been a part of this), she'll be a part of your young adulthood (marriage, children, Insha'Allah), and when your parents pass away the only other person that knew you throughout your whole life till then is your sister.  And will continue to be a part of your life, Insha'Allah. Siblings share all parts of life together, no other relationship covers your whole life span (usually) than a brother or a sister. Your husband (typically) will not have  known you even existed before!

Being half sisters shouldn't be an issue, she's still of your blood...you even carry the same family name being the daughters of the same father.  The issues you have with your mother need to be resolved, because this is what, I believe, is causing you problems in your relationship with your sister, and can lead to a host of other problems with other people if it hasn't already, which means, you need to work on the past and letting go of it. Your stepmother will never be your mother, but Alhumdulila you're living under her roof and she seems to love you despite being the child of a past marriage of your father's. Look at her as an auntie...aunts usually don't love their nieces and nephews like their own children, but there's no denying they love them a lot. Your stepmother is the mother of your sister and having a close bond with her will eliminate this feeling of your sister being from the "right woman".  Also, keep your own mother "in your eyes". She may not be ideal in her actions (who really is, we're all human), but she's your mother nonetheless. If you build up this motherly bond even being far away from her (which isn't ideal), you'll see that every other relationship will improve in your life. The way you're treating your sister is NOT indicative of how you'll be as a mother, but the relationship a woman has with her mother is, as so psychologists point out.  And I can see this is true, as she's the one you get (should) receive motherly love from.  You know to give what you've gotten.  If something is foreign to you, how do you expect to express it with others! The most important thing is to make dua that Allah subhanu wa tala changes your heart and that the most important relationships in your life reach a cohesive point.  

You're young and to a big extent these eternal conflicts of unknowing why you behave like this or that is VERY NORMAL. You're producing the building blocks that will one day form your adult personality, and you seem to be very mature and eloquent for your age, Masha'Allah. Don't look at the upbringing you had with your mother with any regret or shame, because I think you may harbor these feelings too. Take what you've been through and the diversity which makes you YOU, as something special.  Yes, your sister is living in a complete Moroccan environment, Masha'Allah. But you have had a varied life, been exposed first hand to other cultures and ways of living be it good or bad...take the experiences and thrive with them.  Who do you think between you and your sister would be the better to advice someone that had a rough upbringing, issues of parental divorce, or can speak of being bi-cultural and on living with non Muslims (i.e. your mom and her ex spouse)?  Btw, you're excellent for dawah!  Sis cheer up, the teenage years are rough on everyone. You're in my duas. My fingers are tired biggrin.gif!

I just went over this again and edited some things, Insha'Allah my ramblings are clearer now smile.gif.

Edited by Muslimah72, 26 July 2007 - 02:15 PM.


#8 fkhans

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 01:46 PM

Asalamualekum warahamtullahi wabarakatuhu


Sis i wanna say one thing that is

I IPB Image u for the sake of Allah(swt) and ur not bad but a nice sister. smile.gif



Allah hafiz

Faridunnisa


#9 Guest_poise_*

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 03:02 PM

Asalaamu Alaykum,

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. They really helped a lot. May Allah reward you for your help. I may go back and delete my post in a bit so if you see it gone that is why.

Oh, I just wanted to add, so you guys know, I do love my sister, its just the difficulty in the relationship is making me act and feel badly toward her, and I don't really think of her as a half-sister, I never make the difference in my mind. I always think of her as my whole sister and the only difference I notice is that we have different mothers but its not like I think that our sisterly relationship is less important because of that or anything. wink.gif


But Insha Allah, I'm going to take all of your advice sisters. It was really great and it helped a lot.

Edited by poise, 31 July 2007 - 01:23 PM.


#10 Ag11

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 03:24 PM

sallam allaikum,
oh sis trust me u will be an awesome mother!! y? well i was always jealous of my brother (he was my dads fave) i couldnt stand him from day one, and until now we cant get along.
I hated kids,never liked kids, and would lose my temepr easily! got that from my dad side lol...but anyways...that all changed once i had my very own..im just very careful not to make the same mistakes as my parents did.
so dont worry about treating ur kids badly becuase ur motherly instinct only starts to come out as soon as u push out ur first born biggrin.gif



#11 Muslimah72

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 04:37 PM

QUOTE(poise @ Jul 27 2007, 01:02 AM) View Post

As for my mother, I don't think I will ever have a good relationship with her for several reasons which I really don't feel comfortable explaining. However, even Islamically, I have the right to cut ties with her based on the things she has done because its that bad.



Asalam Alykum. Sister Islamically you can NOT cut ties with your mother (or family), no matter what she's done. You can avoid being around certain elements of her lifestyle, but must keep communicating with her on some level, a complete cut off is not islamically correct. And if she has any mental and/or dependency issues you must still see about her, the more so I'd say.

Masha'Allah you love your sister...I don't think anyone here felt you didn't. Starting this thread was proof enough! Insha'Allah you have a bright future with adorable kids smile.gif.

#12 Guest_poise_*

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 05:29 PM

Asalaamu Alaykum,

Islamically you can cut ties with your mother under certain circumstances such as if the parent will cause harm to their child's physical and emotional wellbeing as well as (more importantly) to their spiritual well-being, such as trying to force the child into polytheism. I've checked, she falls under the circumstances. However, I do talk to her on the phone and just make it a known fact that if she goes outside the perimeters of what we can speak about I will end the contact.

BarakAllahu Feeki for your help. smile.gif

#13 muwahida-01

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 07:23 PM

as salaam wa alaykum

well first things first you'll be a great mother insha Allah even if u dont think so at the time  biggrin.gif alot of sisters when they become mothers doubt themselves, so stop worrying about something that hasnt even happened yet.

well it sounds to me like ur not the problem but ur dad needs to see that his lil girl 'you' is hurting and hasnt quite gotten over the past, i think u need to tell him how it is everything that u wrote above tell him.

also for urself why not try some councelling, just to help u move on or to have someone who can help u put things into perspetive and if wouldnt be a bad thing if u and ur dad or even whole family went

i wouldnt worry about ur lil sis, try and go easy on her she isnt to blame for anything.  but u'd be kiddin urself of u think u should get on all the time siblings fight and thats that

as for mean well i hold my hands up am the nastiest, most sarcastic sister when it comes to my bro, but after 21 years he's used to it, i dont give him any other choice, but i love him and he loves me and seriously my nastiness has shown him the way loads of times and now he comes to me when he wants to hear the truth.

lots of hugz
muwhaida

#14 Muslimah72

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 09:19 PM

Asalam Alykum.  Then sister you have not cut ties if you speak to her on the phone.  You are saying the same thing that I wrote, which is not to be around elements of her life that are unacceptable but keeping some form of communication opened. Cutting ties which is unislamic is like dropping off the face of the earth and ignoring her altogether...you're aren't doing this Alhumdulila.

Btw, I don't believe there's any ruling that permanently mentions that it's okay to cut ties with your family under any circumstance,in fact family is where inheritances go...no matter we like them or not. Sister if polytheism/shirk was a reason to cut ties, hardly any revert, and some "Muslims" would not keep relations with their families...but they do for the sake of Allah subhanu wa tala. I do understand you are under age and need to be in a household protected from harm, there's no question about this. Insha'Allah everything works out for you. And I agree with sis muwahida-01 on your father's role. I'll leave it at this post, I've written enough.  Allah Alim

Edited by Muslimah72, 26 July 2007 - 09:27 PM.


#15 Guest_poise_*

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 09:58 PM

Asalaamu Alaykum,

blink.gif

Edited by poise, 31 July 2007 - 01:24 PM.


#16 Anna Li

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 10:19 PM

Firstly: calm down, there is aboslutely no reason to think you will not be a "good enough" mother. (The "perfect mothers" are luckily rare, because every child needs breathing space!)

The issue with your kid (half)sister has nothing to do with your "mothering abilities" -- but _maybe_ a lot to do with your relationship with your parents, especially in this case  with your father.  Is he treating you the way a father should treat all his children, lovingly, respectfully -- and fairly?

You didn't tell how old you are but it is in fact not very important -- with our parents we are always, in one way or another, children, and should, in my humble and perhaps not a very popular opinion, be treated (to some extent) as such.

All children (with the exception of one's own, usually) are not lovable. Maybe some are too clingy, some too distant, some just too ill-mannered, some too willing to please...  but it is important to remember that the children are not to blame. They reflect their close environment.

Give it (=the relationship bw you & your little sister) time, give it a chance. Try to treat her fairly and respectfully even if she´s horrible at times -- for your own sake.
Feelings cannot be forced but behaviour can be controlled -- by adults.

And great thanks to you for the courage of being (brutally, to yourself) honest & bringing up a very difficult subject.

I am sure you will, one day, become a very good mother indeed! If you maintain that level of self-reflection, your kid(s) will never have to second-guess, they will know exactly how you feel -- and thus feel safe.

(And, by the way, I think you ARE a nice person -- because you appear/sound real and therefore trustworthy, not fake.)

hugs,
A. L.











#17 zuhra

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Posted 27 July 2007 - 08:11 PM

wa alaikoum assalam,

I am not the greatest advise-giver, but you could try some of the following to start fresh and start building a better relationship with your sister:
- Include her in your hobbies. for example, if you like to read, read something together that is not too hard and she will understand. or if you like to cook, cook something with her but always give her the easy tasks.
- Add kind words whenever you call her. ex. darling, love, or a nickname to make her feel special and wanted
- Talk together about your dreams, aspirations
- Take her to the park, or watever she likes to do once in a while

Remember, she is much younger so you have to expect her to behave like a child. If you dont want her touching your stuff, just put them out of reach. Also, you are to be her role model. If you dont like a part of her behaviour, then show her the proper way. This might take time and trust, but it is not a lost cause. smile.gif

Take care,

ps: It is good to take lessons from the past, but do not let your past mistake overtake your future. Each day is a new day.  wink.gif

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Posted 27 July 2007 - 11:46 PM

Asalaamu Alaykum,

BarakAllahu Feeki sis Zuhra. Those suggestions are extremely useful. I'm going to try them out!




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