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#1 Guest_rahmanpriya_*

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Posted 09 December 2004 - 03:46 PM

I've been closet Muslim for almost a year.  meaning, I am in belief and in a few practices.  I dress modest, but not with hijab.  I want to passionately, but my only fear is my dad.  He was always controlling of me as a child.  He is still controlling of me.  He has tried to take my daughter away from me because I won't let her go to church with him.  She is 6.  I am not afraid of him, but what he can do.  I want the peace of knowing that I am Muslim.  I can tell everyone, I can be proud of it.  I told my mom, but she is scared of him also.  No one tells him anything because they are afraid of his anger.  Please give me way of telling him.  I think he suspects.  He just doesn't know for sure.

#2 kazz

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Posted 09 December 2004 - 04:42 PM

hi there

welcome to the forum.

Well just a few questions to help clarify your situation.  Do you live with your dad.   Do you fear physical aggresion from him towards you.(if so you may want to do so in public)  What religion is he.  Has he any preconceptions or predjudice against muslims, if so based on what.

Well hope all goes well when you do tell him, but do plan it well, think about him and the possible questions and reaction he may have, get as much support from other family members.

Well hopefully with a bit more info, we mayn be able to consider the best way forward for you

k

#3 Guest_rahmanpriya_*

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Posted 09 December 2004 - 05:25 PM

No, I live with my husband who was born muslim, and his brother and his brothers wife, and our two kids.  Same city, though.  My mom and I are really close.  I am afraid of physical, and other outcomes of his anger.  He can talk my first child's dad to fight for custody.  He can yell at me.  He can yell at my husband.  I would have to make sure that my kids were not there.  Would it be okay to have the Imam to help me?  Maybe go to Mosque to tell the news?

#4 kazz

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Posted 09 December 2004 - 05:35 PM

Asslamu Alaikum

well i am sorry you are in such a difficult and hard situation.   I dont really know what to say now.  But inshallah the sisters will have some advice for you.

I was worried about my dads reaction to my converting.  I let him know my intention gradually, even while researching Islam, I think in the end he knew I was planning on reverting before i actually did.  And thankfully he took it well in the end.

But hey I hope it goes well, hopefully the sisters will be able to advise you more.  Take care.

k

#5 Sister Kamillah

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Posted 09 December 2004 - 11:01 PM

asalamu alaikum,

since you are married and an adult and already have two children and your father is a non muslim and hates the religion of Islam..You really do not have to tell him anything for it is none of his business..Live your life and be as kind and nice to him as you can..but as far as your own personal household, it is none of his concern. Of course try to keep family relations with him as much as possible without hurting your own family and your own Iman. When he gets use to your marriage to this muslim man maybe later you can tell him.
kamillah

#6 sarah_anisah

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Posted 09 December 2004 - 11:22 PM

Assalamu Alaikum

I am sure as you are already married to a Muslim man that your Father will already have some idea that you too will change your religion. Does he and your husband get on? Maybe have your husand with you when you tell him. You could start by dropping heavy hints to him so the initial shock will wear off.

Keep us updated.
Sarah

#7 Guest_rahmanpriya_*

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Posted 10 December 2004 - 08:01 PM

Even before I met my husband, I let my dad know I had questions about my beliefs in the religion i was before.  He found me information and books.  I married my husband september 2002, Converted in February 2003.  The reason  I did not convert before we were married, was because I did not want it to look like to everyone that I became Muslim because of my husband or to get married to my husband.  I did officially revert from my former religion before we got married.  I researched Islam on my own.  I was worried about me wearing hijab in front of my dad.  I really feel like I should.  Like that's what's holding me back spiritually.  I am ready spiritually to face the world, but not my dad.  My husband puts up with my dad, and my dad doesn't think there's a problem.  Like whatever he says goes.  No one should have a problem with it.  My dad will probably assume that my husband forced me.  I have told my dad that I don't eat pork, or pork products.  I know I need to tell him, and in a semi public place, with my husband with me, and to be prepared for all kinds of questions and accusations.  I need to just be brave.  I am just scared of his actions.  I have even thought of telling him in court or something.  See, my first daughter was born illegitimately, her father is Christian and we have compromised with eachother.  I teach Islam, he teaches Christianity.  He doesn't badtalk Islam, I don't badtalk Christianity.  But, my dad was my daughters only father for almost 2 years.  So, he feels like he has a right to control me when it comes to her.  Anyway, just some info.  Sorry, I might have been rambling.  Thanks for listening.  I really hope I can break through this.  So that I can grow spiritually.

#8 ~MissKitty~

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Posted 10 December 2004 - 08:26 PM

Salam alaikum,
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you have a difficult situation with your father. You really don't have to tell him anything at all if you don't want to or are afraid he'll do something bad to you. Why does he think your daughter has to go to church with him? my family doesn't know I'm muslim, I haven't told them and it's been over a year now. But, we also don't talk about religion together either. I don't need to tell them, though it would be nice, as sometimes I feel as if I'm 'sneaking around' so to speak, I think I"m a bit like you. I would say just don't talk religion with him for some time, and see if he cools off. You may be needing to be more firm with him about YOUR daughter. She's yours, not his, to raise how YOU want, and he has no right to be taking your daughter to church. That's none of his business if she goes to church or not. I guess I was lucky, my parents never were big on church, and my mom told us: you don't have to be in a church to worship God.
I hope your situation improves for you.

#9 Guest_rahmanpriya_*

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Posted 10 December 2004 - 08:35 PM

My daughter was born 1998, Her father came around for visitation of her in 2000.  I got married in 2002.  My daughters father was joint custody.  When she is at his house, I don't have a say by court ruling where he takes her, as long as it does not harm her physically.  My dad, before I met my husband , took my daughter to church every sunday, because I was a single mom, and had to work odd hours.  So, my dad may be most angry of my daughter learning Islam.  But, her father and I have come to agree ment.

#10 Umm Amina

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Posted 13 December 2004 - 08:01 AM

as-salaamu-alaikum,
I am sorry for the struggles you are going through; I will make duaa for you. no rush to tell him, just take your time.

  umm amina

#11 Sister_Nadira

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Posted 30 December 2004 - 03:48 AM

Asalamu Alaikum,

Honestly, it sounds like you should be concentrating on getting your ex-husband on board. As long as he has absolutely no concerns about you being Muslim, and as long as he has faith in your ability to parent... anything your father tries to pull in court will go to waste. See, if he tries to get your ex-husband to sue you in court for full custody, your ex will tell him where to go and how to get there IF you and he trust one another as parents. Additionally, if your father tries to sue you for custody for himself, the court will laugh him right back out the door if you and your ex both stand up and say there is NO need for this.

You need an honest and open communication with your ex. Do you have that already? Is it something you could work on?

As far as the emotional need to be open, and the emotional arsenal your father has (all his ways to make you afraid to be honest)... I can totally sympathize with you, why you feel the need to wear hijab and come out to him. That's going to be a big victory for you when you get there. But take it easy and try to plan rationally--make sure you're in a good spot both emotionally and physically before you do this.

#12 SuharNoor

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Posted 30 December 2004 - 04:12 AM

Asalaam Alaikum,

Sister, you are an adult married woman who has shown great strength thus far.  Keep your faith close and your fear far away.  As the previous sisters have said, this is really between you and your daughter's biological father.  If you and he have come to an agreement and it works out with your present husband then that is all that matters.  Do not be disrespectul to your father, but be yourself without fear.  Trust in your faith and keep communication open with your daughter's father.  The circumstances of her birth have nothing to do with the status of your lives as it stands now.  Your father's duty was to support you at a time that you needed, i.e. when you were a single mom--that time has now passed and by your own words you have the status of your life!  Your father was doing what he was supposed to do, care for you in a time of need.  That need has passed, be grateful for him, thank him, do not forget it, but now you need to move on and embrace the new strength that you find in Islam!  The timing in when you come to wear hijab does not matter, what matters is that your heart is Muslim and that you move at the pace that Allah (swt) has allotted for you.  Take it day by day.

#13 Aisha

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Posted 30 December 2004 - 10:08 AM

Bismillahi Rahmanu Raheem.
As-Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh dear sisters. biggrin.gif

Dear sisters rahmanpriya  &  SuharNoor:

Welcome to IslamWay Sisters biggrin.gif  

Dear sister rahmanpriya:
I agree with the sisters who advise you to bring your daughters biological father into this issue.
Alhamdulilah as you stated he doesn’t have a problem with his daughter being raised in a muslim household.
Why not try writing your father a letter first of all telling him how grateful you are to him for being a father to your daughter and for providing stability in her young life at the time when you both  needed him to care for you.
Concentrate on the issue of your daughter needing to have a peaceful, safe, happy and loving atmosphere to grow up in, free of any family disputes or confusion in her life.
Tell him how you appreciate the strong family values that you have found in Islam and how the respect for the parents are very highly valued.

I don’t know whether or not your father is catholic but you could compare hijab with the dress of the nuns. How they are respected. I am sure that I am not the only one here who has experienced the sweet way people act towards you when they think that you’re a nun. We have a topic in the hijab forum ‘funny things said to you in hijab’ .

I assume that your father is very close to your daughter still and that he plays a very important part in her life. Maybe you need to reassure him that you would still like for him to remain a part of her life/your lives (if this is the case).  So, with this in mind you need to suggest other ways  that they/you could spend time together. e.g. going to the park, hobbies that can be shared perhaps?

InshaAllah  things work out very well for you and your family. InshaAllah khair.

Wa Salaamu alaikum,
                                  Om-AbdulRahman. :wink:




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