36 replies to this topic

[Sister_Nadira]

Quote

Thank you for your support... Yes I am doing the best I can, I am a new mother and doing everything on my own for my children. I don't wish to force them into anything they don't want to do. I only attempted once to contact the family about this unfortunate situation. I know now it's a waste of time to try and get through to these people. I am only one person just trying to make things "right" and all I want is for everyone to be happy but they don't seem to share the same feelings.

Chasiekaemami, you're welcome, and here's hoping that whatever may come, it is good for you and your children.

[Blessed by Allah]

Assalaamu alaikum,

I am sorry for mentioning honor killings.  I only did it to show the extremity that some people go to to protect their family's honor.  Here in the west, family honor doesn't mean much, but on the other side of the world, the family name means so much.  It's easy for people in america and canada to accept adulterous relationships because they are common and out in the open, but it's not so common everywhere.  It happens, but it's hidden.  

I think the grandmother needs time.  It was probably quite a shock to her that her son got you pregnant, even if she knew of the relationship.  You might try mentioning to her that you are learning about Islam.  If she talks to you, ask her if she's willing to teach you more about Islam.  If she knows you want to learn, then it might be easier for her to accept the situation.

[nisaa]

as salamu alaikum,
                              first of all welcome to this site. i have taken the time to read your posts and the others so i would like to add a few things.  first off i think you should try and just not worry about those people for now and focus on yourself. god has given everyone rules and guideline to live by in order to live peacefully and please him as well.  again as another sister mentioned islam is not a religion. it is a way you live.  there is no way around the fact that god had ordered us to not do certain things because it will cause pain and heartache in our lives. not having sex before marriage is something that is ment to prevent the woman from being forced to take care of children alone and prevent life long pain for these children. as well as many many other reasons that all make sense if you would just give it some thought. you cant take back the past and children arenot a mistake however you must realize that following certain rules which are gods rules not muslim rules most of this problem your experiencing would not be.

the quran teaches us that our children are a joy for us but also a test. we will be asked about what we did and didnt teach them about god and many other things.  so to learn about it islam is not for your baby fathers mother. its for you.  islam is not unfair to women nor is it some weird opinion that some people over there in the east have. i am american. i have made many mistakes before my reversion to islam.  islam protects us all male and female from so much.  i feel for you and your situation.

this woman i am sure just wants you to see that islam is so beautiful and she wants her grandchildren to know as well im sure it hurts her everyday.   ithink she should try and talk to you and teach you about islam but maybe she feels it would be a lost cause because who knows what her son has told her about you maybe true maybe lies. i know that men do that.    :roll:  

question you say they should love your kids despite the different beliefs. what do you believe if you dont mind me asking?  do you believe there is a god?  do you believe in heaven/ hell?  just curious.  because muslims  dont believe that god sent abraham and noah and moses and jesus muhamad etc to the people for modern day people to just decide oh its a new day we dont haveto follow no rules.  god is always watching he always has been. just because people change it doesnt mean his rules or expectations have changed.  it is something very serious for us. our livelyhood rests on pleasing allah and it dont matter what country town or city we live in.  

his mother knows this and she i think wrong in the ways she is handling it but i understand her anger.  however whats done is done, but for you not her read about islam try and be open. you never know what the future holds for you or for his family.  

he does sound very immature but you may become a muslim one day and he is like oh im so stupid and cry to allah and ask you to marry him.  or not we dont know but right now i think you should think about yourself and try to be the best mom you can be. i hope i didnt offend you. we all are here to help as much as we can
nisaa

[aishaniqabi]

Assalam Aleikum sisters,
Dear chasiekaemami,
  I am no expert in these matters but what I can tell you is in Islam, every child is born muslim, regardless of the parents' beliefs until the child reaches puberty.  Sisters please correct me if I am wrong on the age (and Allah knows best).  
I think it's unfair that the grandmother, and the father's side in general is treating the twins this way.  I do not mean to offend anyone but I think that the father has a lot of straightening up to do before he can disrespect you.  
I really hope you find the best advise and answers here and if it works out that the father's family refuses the twins permanently, then Allah is the best of all planners.  Whatever the outcome,hopefully it will be the best thing for your twins.  
Assalam Aleikum wa Rahmatullah,
Aisha a.k.a Ninja  :wink:

[April]

HI there chasiekaemami,

Nice to meet you.  Your situation is not uncommon unfortunately, it reminds me of a quote here that I read and it sooooo fits what has happened to you,

[align=center:98bf1cf5a7]ISLAM IS PERFECT THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT[/align:98bf1cf5a7]

I don't think you have done anything wrong, it is quite normal these days for people who are not practising any religion, to have relations before marriage to get to know one another before committing completely in marriage, more often than not pregnancy happens and before you know it there is a rising percentage of single mums.  Marriage is avoided these days, people are just not getting marriage anymore, it is now consider very old fashioned and unneccessary to actually marry.  Of course as the sisters have said and as you probably already knew ISLAM forbids relations outside marriage to the muslims, there is great Wisdom in this though, I will explain after, God willing.  Alot of people see ISLAM forbidding so many things but it is not without reason or purpose and this issue of no relations outside of marriage is a very important one to understand.

So this boy happens to be MUSLIM, now that doesn't say much, the word Muslim covers a wide scope of people and there are certain acts that will take a person outside the fold of ISLAM where he is no longer Muslim and he may not even know about it, NOT everyone who claims to be MUSLIM is actually living the life that GOD has prescribed in the Holy Qur'an nor do they all follow the perfect example of the Last Prophet to mankind, peace be upon him.  I just wanted to point out that just because he says he is Muslim HE is in no WAY or FORM representing the ISLAM and the LAWS Of GOD in the Holy Qur'an.  So from what you have said about him, I would not connect him or his family in anyway with the religion of ISLAM.....

PRACTISING MUSLIMS:
1. don't lie, cheat or steal
2. don't have relations outside of marriage DON'T EVEN LOOK twice at women or mix with them in ANY WAY MANNER OR FORM
3. don't take from the religion what suits and leave the rest
4. certainly don't abandon pregnant women

This boy has big problems it seems to me there is alot of culture coming into play with him and his family, I suggest you leave it and get on with your own journey.  ISLAM is way above what he has presented to you, I hope that God Willing you will be patient with us here to learn more about the truth of ISLAM.  

I myself reverted to ISLAM almost 7 years ago, so I can understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.  It is so sad that you have experienced this I really feel for you, but you know what?  Nothing happens without a reason, everything happens for a reason, just we maynot know yet what it is......but soon, GOD willing, soon, everything will be clear and we will understand why certain things happened to us and why we had to go through that.

To the issue of marriage in ISLAM.  Women in ISLAM have a very important position, they are to be protected in everyway, their rights need to be looked after and we have many rights.  A woman in ISLAM is not a toy to be used and thrown away, she has every right to be treated as she deserves and that is with respect.  Women cannot just be taken as girlfriends to be displayed and then disgarded once they are no longer needed.  We are not to be seen as an asset to men whereby our bodies and looks are seen as an asset for a man and he can show his asset to his friends.  We are seen as jewels in ISLAM, priceless jewels, now where are you going to keep your most priced and precious jewels?  Somewhere safe right?.....Women in ISLAM are protected by the laws of GOD in the HOLY QUR'AN, we cannot be "tested out" before marriage, a man cannot even see our beauty before marriage, he must marry us on account of our good character and religion, he has no right to touch us in any way before we marry.

In this way the woman is protected, her body mind and soul is protected from every wolf, All Praise is due to GOD!!  So after marriage the woman has many rights.  Of course she has her responsibilities with rights always comes responsibility but her role and respnsibility suite her nature and instinct.  I am sure you now as a mother of twins can relate to what I am talking about, the role of motherhood, it is so important and we as women we fit this role of bearing kids and looking after them as we are the ones who best fit this role due to our makeup our very instinct.  Don't you agree?  Don't you just love being a Mum?....Now the man on the other hand has another role he must provide for the family, he must support teh family financially and everyway he can.  It is up to him to provide in that way for the wife and kids.  So contrary to your experience of men running away from resonsibility, the man after marriage has a very big resonsibility.

In the Holy Qur'an GOD says that when a man marries a woman he is being given a Trust, like a precious thing that he has to look after in the best way he can.  Like I was saying before about the jewell......this is what women are.....precious jewels to be treasured.  In Islam we believe in the Day of Judgement and on that Day GOD shall ask men who marriage what they did with their "jewell" how did they look after it, how did they treasure it.  Muslim men are mindful of this and they are always striving for that day when their trust will be returned to it's OWNER....

Women in ISLAM find great freedom and protection in marriage......We are put into a very important position in marriage.  Muslim men...PRACTISING muslim men respect women and realise what each one has as resopnsibilities, the man has the greatest responsibility.

I would love to write more but it might get too long.....

I hope to hear from you, use the opportunity to ask all your q's about ISLAM ...... and remember....ISLAM IS PERFECT.....the muslims aren't!!

Regards,

Umbilal

[Ameeraana]

Peace,

   I must clear something up that could be misunderstood

[quote]Also, in Islam, it is very bad for women (and men too, but especially women

  In Islam it is just as bad if a man commits zina (adultery, premarital sex) as if a woman does it.  But in many [b]cultures it is worse for a woman to do so while people will turn the other cheek if a man does so.  This cultural belief happens in many cultures, and not only amongst Muslims.

********************************

  The sad thing here is that this man's family may very well be thinking so low of you and not wanting anything to do with you when they could be having a big chance of trying to interact with you and teach you about Islam and then you may come to accept it and raise your children as Muslims.   But no, they just flat out refuse to want anything to do with you. And them being Muslims you are seeing what they do and how they act and maybe start to believe that this is something Islamic.  

   a Muslim is still a person who makes mistakes and sins and doesn't understand all the teachings in the Qur'an. A Muslim learns Islam for the rest of their lives.  The problem is, some people mix their cultures with Islam and sometimes they take precedent over cultural practices even if it goes against Islam.  And also, even if its not about culture, a Muslim may not have learned to be patient, or to forgive.  

   How this family is treating you and your children is probably a mix of both-- a cultural issue where family "honor" is most important-- it can be so bad to the extent that a family will absolutely not allow their son or daughter to marry a certain family because of their family name because of a mistake one or some people in that family has made, thus shaming the whole family, or even allowing them to marry outside their culture as it could be considered as dishonoring the family.  So in this case, that their son has commited sex prior to Islam and had children could tarnish their family name.  When everyone is responsible for their own sins people sometimes look down on a whole family because one of their members has done something wrong.  

   It is ashame that they are judging you so badly when it is their son who is a Muslim who is out there doing wrong and doing things with non-Muslims who don't know what Islam is.  You are not Muslim and you have grown up in a society where pre-marital sex is common and probably considered normal.  You know, even before I was Muslim I remember at work there were some really religious Christian ladies who were once talking about how it is such a shame to live with a boyfriend and have sex before marriage and I totally didn't agree with the things they were saying.  Then later on I became Muslim and over time with all the learning I have done I understand what they were talking about now.  But you know, it takes lots of patience to not judge and try hard to teach another person a whole new set of beliefs.  Its even the same with different cultures, and I am even including non-Muslim cultures.  One person from one culture could marry into a whole different other one and have the hardest time getting used to new things and also be subjected to harsh criticism for not being able to follow their "norm".

  The people who have come into your life so far.. this man and his family, could just be not patient and understanding and forgiving enough, and also culturally may be trying to protect their family honor to want anything to do with you.  And worst of all, to even think so low of innocent children, is just so so sad!!

   I hope you stick around with us here and really do learn a lot about Islam.

Ameera

[Peace4all]

As Salamu Alaikum

Welcome Chasiekaemami I am impressed by the great response to ur question. As one sister clearly stated

Islam is perfect the Muslims are not

It is very sad that the Muslims who have settled in the west changed the Islamic teachings to suit the culture of their new homes. Astaghfirullah!
If we read Islamic history we will find that the early Muslims changed the cultures in their new countries in line with Islam.

What I find so hard to accept is that the people accept adultery as something morally correct yet they cannot accept the concept of Muslim men having 4 wives whom he can love, support and cherish in a healthy atmosphere.

Sad Very Sad

[fragrant]

Also I have tried to think of this situation through her eyes and I just simply cannot. Wether I believed in any certain religion or culture I could never act the manner she is. .

Hello there Chasie;

Chasie, I am very sure that this is EXACTLY as well.

She is way wrong, perhaps, to not be accepting of you- but [b]by the same token, you are in no way better accepting of her either. You, just like her, are "guilty as charged" :shock:  

I think one of the best joys of being an adult is to realise the fact that no two person is the same- and that is [b]OKAY :idea: .

_Fragrant_

[Sister Kamillah]

asalamu alaikum,

The pakistani culture is very difficult  and since you are not muslim and are not a Pakistani, it will be very difficult for his mother to accept you. If you were a muslim and practicing it would be easier for her to accept you, but since you are not it will be almost impossible for her. If his mother is cultural she probably was even expecting her son to marry within there own caste.  But since she has said she would accept you, if you became a muslim, she may be more religious and practicing.

The children are not to blame for in islam children are born sinless and since there father is muslim, they are muslim also and should be raised as muslims. This is the saddest part that I see without the contact with there Grandmother, there will not be any influence from a muslim.

Zina (sex outside of marriage between two single individuals) is a sin and the mother-in-law probably is having a very difficult time thinking that her son could have done such a thing. And yes, she feels this has brought her family shame and if people find out it will give the family a bad name. (this may seem small to you, but it is very difficult for his mother and people in her culture will talk about her family. which may bring her much distress and heartache.please try to understand her position and how this has hurt her so much) And you are the reminder of this sin that her son was involved in. She may feel if you do become a muslim that Allah will forgive you all your sins and she would feel more comfortable accepting you into her family then.  I would advise you to read about the religion of islam and to understand the beliefs. Insha-Allah I hope that you will embrace islam and become a Muslim.

I am not here to judge you, but I wanted to give you the prespectives on why the mother-in-law may feel this way toward you.

feel free to pm me if you need any more advise or want to understand the pakistani culture. I know this culture well, for I am married to a pakistani and have view this culture from the inside.

kamilllah

[Apricot]

As-salamu Alaykum AishahSalam,

and welcome to the site.

[sarah_anisah]

Assalamu Alaikum

[marq=left:211317f88c][b]Welcome to the forum AishahSalam and congratulations on your shahada :mrgreen:

InshaAllah you will like it here and we can all learn from eachother :wink:
I really like the link that you posted to the Brief illustrated guide to Islam, I recommend this to anyone.

I have sent you a PM sister.

Sarah