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Reacher Or The Settler


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#1 Guest_Simple_*

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Posted 15 July 2012 - 10:22 PM

Salaam aleikoum,

I'm not going to lie about it I got this theory from a tv-show. They basically mentioned this:

There is always a reacher and a settler in a relationship.

The reacher reaches for someone out of their league.
The settler settles for someone below theirs and is seldom jealous.

Do you agree with this theory?

Lets say someone is interested in me and he pray, but is average in knowledge and religious activities, kinda like myself. Of course we all have dreams to marry a very knowledgeable guy, who is awesome as well, but should you settle for someone who is average? Would you feel like a settler if you married someone who isn't as knowledgeable as you hoped for? And do you even have the right to expect someone who knows a lot if you don't yourself? Of course everything is up to Allah and we should do istigharah, but these are just some questions which I had.

I'll be waiting for your replies.  happy.gif

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Posted 16 July 2012 - 10:45 AM

Salaam aleikoum,

Thank you sis for your reply. I guess what my biggest concern is, is whether doing the basics of Islam is enough for now and whether someone will learn more about the religion. I do appreciate humor for example and that was one of the things which I would like in a husband. It's just a tricky subject I guess.  wacko.gif

#3 Umm Muslim

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 06:07 AM

assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

Nice thread sister Simple <3  smile.gif

I think Im the type that would go for a reacher or someone higher than me and if not possible then someone at my level but never someone below my level(he will not benefit me ). I think it is good and perhaps better to marry someone who is more knowledgeable or more practicing than you.  This way, you do not have to worry about your children. If your husband has good knowledge , he will be the teacher of your children. But if he doesnt know much and is himself not practicing the deen, then this is a total loss. Its always best to choose the one that practices the deen good before you even married him, not the one who says he will do more after you two get married. Allah knows best. I know my mom for one thinks im a total weirdo sometimes for thinking this way(going for a reacher or someone different). But i told her that it doesnt always have to be what the family has been doing for generations. The prophet saws said to the dads to marry their daughters to one with good deen and khuluq(manners) that pleases you, it doesnt matter where he is from(his race, tribe, etc).  May Allah give us and our parents tawfeeq.

aisha

Edited by Umm Muslim, 17 July 2012 - 06:08 AM.


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Posted 17 July 2012 - 09:28 AM

Salaam aleikoum,

I agree with you sis. I would really want someone who is very knowledgeable or someone at my own my level. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who knows less than me and is okay with that.

But what do we understand under good deen? Is that he prays on time, fasts, doesn't drink/smoke etc., and the basic stuff or something else?

I just read this on Facebook:
QUOTE
Marriage is about compromise and compassion not dictatorship for that will create a bridge in a marriage till two people 'practising' or not will start to hate each-other and unfortunately end up in divorce. As you can see divorce rates between the 'young' practising crowd has gone up? Why do you think that is? It's not even about choosing wisely. All this happens after choosing wisely, what are your thoughts? Is it lack of mercy? Understanding, compassion? What is it? Share your thoughts.


So at one side I'm thinking that I feel comfortable with this person even if he isn't a shaykh somewhere  laugh.gif, but on the other hand I worry that he might not be very knowledgeable. I do not know a lot about him yet.

In a way I'm a reacher, but do we have to lower our expectations?

#5 Zaynab1

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 12:56 PM

salam

Im definitely a reacher.  I would want to marry a man who is more knowledgeable and practising than I am.  I would also want to marry a man who wants to raise his children islamically and cares about their akhirah.  

I would never lower my standards when it comes to this, however, when it comes to secular education, it doesn't really matter if he has a degree or not.  As long as he is willing to learn, go to school and pursue it.  

character, deen, and and being hardworking are essential for me.

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 08:31 PM

Wa aleikoum salam sis,

I guess most people are reachers, except for a few who like to be in charge of a relationship. Anyway there is this one question which is coming back to me and I'm sorry if I annoyed you guys, but I want to know when someone really is on the deen or religious.

#7 Umm Muslim

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 10:50 PM

QUOTE(Simple @ Jul 17 2012, 09:28 AM) View Post

Salaam aleikoum,

I agree with you sis. I would really want someone who is very knowledgeable or someone at my own my level. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who knows less than me and is okay with that.

But what do we understand under good deen? Is that he prays on time, fasts, doesn't drink/smoke etc., and the basic stuff or something else?

I just read this on Facebook:
So at one side I'm thinking that I feel comfortable with this person even if he isn't a shaykh somewhere  laugh.gif, but on the other hand I worry that he might not be very knowledgeable. I do not know a lot about him yet.

In a way I'm a reacher, but do we have to lower our expectations?

wa alaikum assalam

Youre not annoying anyone sister wub.gif jazakiAllahu khayr for this thread.

Most muslims understand good deen as someone who ma sha Allah prays 5 times a day , fasts in ramadhan, and does the rest of the pillars of islam. BUT this is not good deen, this is what is required of every muslim to start with. A man with good deen not only prays his 5 , but also makes sure that he prays them in jama'ah(congregation, ie masjid), not only does he fast in ramadhan but he makes sure not to miss a night of taraweeh, not only does a man of good deen read the quran  once in a blue moon, but also makes sure to read it daily and memorize as many juzz as possible and does not limit himself to memorizing juzz 'amma and sticking to that for 5 + years. Its better this way because if you want to have children with this man, then you must make sure that he is a good example and teacher for your children. You need to make sure that their deen is safe with his and that he is a person who takes his deen seriously. I think this is one of the biggest problems in the west. There are very few parents who are really practicing  and take the deen seriously. Some are practicing but not fully. For example, you will see a mother who is good and wearing proper hijaab but next to her or walking beside her is her daughter(s) who is improperly dressed and full of make up. Where is the tarbiyyah in this family?

I do not think the sister should lower her expectations for someone. If her expectations are very simple and within the sharia, then why should she lower them for someone who is not perhaps even worth it.  The sisters main expectations should be:

1. DEEN ( what we mentioned above , has basic shari knowledge of the deen, knows the correct aqeedah and fiqh so he can help his family)

2. KHULUQ (good mannered, patient, honest, decent, polite, not vicious or abusive, etc)

We can use the story of Fatima bint Hubaysh RA when 2 men came for her hand and she asked the prophet saws about them. One of the men was Muawiyyah bin Abi Sufyan RA and the other was Abu Jahm RA. The prophet sala Allahu alayhi wassalam said "as for abu jahm , then his stick never leaves his shoulder( he is a bit hot tempered and tough on women)  and as for muawiiyah , then he cannot support you (poor and financially incapable then). " So he sala Allahu alayhi wassalam suggested for her someone who was better than the 2. Usama ibn Zayd. This woman at first did not really wish to marry Usama RA but she accepted the prophet's suggestion and she said that after that, she found much khayr in Usama and was happy with him.

Besides  deen and khuluq , the man must be capable of financially supporting his new family and etc. But sisters should not make high conditions like ; he must have a university degree, he must be a doctor or someone in the medical field, he must be light skinned or from this country and etc. We should fear Allah and choose and accept that which suits us. Allah knows best.

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 10:19 AM

Salaam aleikoum sis,

Thank you for your reply. I guess I just need to pray now and figure out whether that person is really as religious and compatible as I want him to be. You're absolutely right.

Love,

Samira

#9 Zakiya

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 12:57 PM

Wa'alaykis-salaam wa rahmatullaah

I would like to add that if you can see in the brother who fulfllls his faraa'idh but has sincerity in improving himself, then do not reject him. Guidance comes from Allaah to us all at different stages of our lives, not just guidance to begin praying and fasting but also guidance to want to be best in all of our speech and actions.

I use to always want to marry someone more knowledgeable in his speech and actions but I realised this isn't a complete way of looking at things and that we should look to see if a person is sincere. Yes, actions do reflect sincerity but everyone cannot exercise seeking knowledge due to commitments etc. All I am saying is, many past scholars sought knowledge late and are still remember until today. It's about sincerity and determination etc.




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