New Muslima trying to raise children from kaffir father
Posted 27 October 2005 - 04:19 PM
[color=violet]I am a new Muslima that converted in April of this year from Christianity. I married a wonderful Muslim man who already had 3 beautiful children who were raised Muslim. My children, however were raised in a Christian evironment with kaffir fathers. I am mainly concerned about my oldest son who is 7. My husband and I decided to put him in an Islamic School with his children to try and start instilling Islam in him. It has been very difficult because his kaffir father did not want him to go to an Islamic school, and I think because my son does not really know any different he has been very rebellious since I have put him in this Islamic school. He does not want to do homework, he lies about work he should be doing, all of the tests he takes are ranging in the 70% which I know he is capable of better. I do not want my son to fail in school because he does not want to be in this school. The more I try to push Islam, I think the more his kaffir father tries to pull him away. He visits his father about 3 days a week, so during those days I have no control over what he is allowed to do or what his father is teaching him. I think my son is just confused, but I have become so overwhelmed and stressed about it that I am just ready to tell his father to raise him. My son does not seem to be rebellious towards his father like he is towards me and my new husband. Am I wrong for this? What should I do? Should I force Islam on my son, or is he at an age yet where I should let him decide if he wants to accept my way of life, or choose to go the way of his kaffir father? Any advice would really help me! :cry:
Posted 27 October 2005 - 05:15 PM
First I want to take this opportunity to welcome you to our wonderful deen. and to this forum.
May Allah help you and all the muslims in your struggles.
My personnel opinion is to take it a little easy on your son, children tend to dislike it when there are too many rules, especially if they( the rules) come all of a sudden.
I don't think you should give up on your son, but the days you have him, you should welcome him with warmth and love.( in his mind, he might be very unhappy that his parents are divorced, and he might blame you for it, Allah knows...these are just speculations).
So sister, maybe you should try to make him confortable with you and your new husband and your new life, until with the will of Allah, your son will see how wonderful it is.
I am sorry I was so long
Your sister in islam
Posted 27 October 2005 - 09:43 PM
There is two things that stands out in your post :
Do you see, your husband, who is not his father is making a decision for him. Yes, you were going along with it, but the problem is, you are forcing an alien thing on your child.
It is normal the child will resent your husband too.
It is not all about you, b ut it is about him too. Imagine the upheaval in his life. New man in his mother's life who decides things for him, new religion, new siblings etc... he is only seven years old and this is frightening for him. Even if he can do better, you have to give him the chance to do better and not force him to do better. Otherwise, you'll fail and he'll fail and both of you will grow apart.
Of course your son is rebellious against your new husband and you. You wrote :
do you see the difference on how you speak about your husband beautiful children. And when you mention yours, well, they are only your children. Plain. no mention, nothing.
My dear sister, you'll lose your son if you do not relax.
First of all, talkto him. Do not decide and do not let your new husband decides for him. Well, you can, you are his mum but your new husband is not his father, will never be his father and he should not be taking his father's place nor his authority, even if his own father is a non muslim. You have to learn how to understand and to respect this child's feelings who comes now from a broken family.
Do not force him.
When you have him, talk to him about islam. Do not force him to do islamic things. Let him choose. Do you really think for a moment, you would have acccepted Islam if it had been forced on you ?
Take him out of this Islamic school for a start.
Learn how to listen to him. He lies ? do you know why he lies ?? because he cannot talk to you. If he could talk to you, he would not need to lie.
Before reforming your son, my dear sister, you have to reform the way you are with him and not force on him your new religion, your new husband and his ''beautiful'' step siblings.
I know it is very hard because you want to do the best thing islamically, but children have feelings too. And if Islam is a way of life, there is also room for other things.
And I am afraid that if you do not change your ways, your son will slowly drift away from you.
It is all what I can advise you. I have seen the damage that broken families and new life can do to some children who are misunderstood and not allowed to ''be themselves'' and who are not allowed to show their feelings. Do not let this happen to your son. At seven years old, he is allowed to be a child, to have dreams, hopes...
And if it happens he should never believe in Islam, he is still your son. You carried him for nine months. You cannot break that just because you have a new religion. Have now some mercy for him.
take care dear sister and you are in my duas.
Posted 27 October 2005 - 09:44 PM
Posted 28 October 2005 - 04:45 AM
Sisters, I greatly appreciate your advice. As I tried to respond to each of you privately, I also wanted to let any other sisters in this forum know how much I appreciate any advice given on this site. It is wonderful to have the opportunity to talk to sisters from all over and get their point of view on issues.
More importantly, one thing that was instilled in me, when I became Muslim, such a short time ago, was that when making any decisions in Islam, there are three very important ways to go about it. #1 What does the Qu'ran say, #2 if you cannot find it there, look at what the Sunnah and or Hadith of the Prophet (SAWS) said, and if you still cannot find it there, take it to a Shayk. Well, obviously, my particular cirsumstance was a little hard to find clear evidence from the Qu'ran, so the next bit of evidence I was seeking was something from the Sunnah and or Hadith. Unfortunatley, being new Muslima, I am not sure where or what those resources are to access, (even though I am sure they are out there :oops: ), so I thought the next best thing would be to consult some sisters in Islam. Surely, we all as Muslims are aware of the best way to weigh and give sound advice to any of our brothers and sisters in Islam.
I think it is very important to be absolutley sure that the path that you are taking is as close to the Book and or Sunnah as it can possibly be, Insha Allah.
So maybe in addition to any advice that any sister may have to offer, It would also be a great resource to me, if someone had some links or resources that I may reference regarding the Sunnah and or Hadith. From what I see, everyone here has so many wonderful things to offer, Masha Allah!
With nothing but the best of intentions......Insha Allah..................
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatulah Wa Barakatu
Posted 28 October 2005 - 08:39 AM
be very gentle with your son for he is only seven(this is the age children just begin to pray but by 10 they have an obligation to pray). talk to him about Allah alot and show him Allah's creation. For children are on the fitrah. Very innocent in there thoughts and ideas. help to build tauhid with Him by teaching him about Allah with much gentleness and kindness to explain without demands or great expectation to change so quickly from what he has know before. For With the many changes that have took place in his life, he will need time to adjust and learn about a new way of life.
Sending him to live with his father is not a solution for you, you must show him throughout his life gentleness, kindness, love when explaining to him about islam and living the life as a muslim. By you learning more yourself, you will be able to teach this young child more.
If the islamic school is not working out for him, you could place him back into the public school, where he may feel more comfortable with the teachers there. Or you could go to his islamic school teacher and talk to her to see if you could have her write all asignments missing and start a daily log book which she put his assignments in. you will have to make sure to follow through with this all year. You may have to sit with him for a time period after school and help him with his missed assignments and homework. and teach him what he is not getting at school, some children need one on one for a time period. Every single day until he understands his work and progresses. when he complete his homework you then put a star by work completed in his book or have the teacher do it. make him feel good about himself with positive reinforcement. try to go on the positives with this young gentle-men.
I know that the advise i give on his homework will help. insha-Allah
does your child have any friends at his new school???if not this could be also be a problem for him not wanting to attend.
Posted 29 October 2005 - 06:42 AM
Dear sister, I'm not the right person to give you advice about Islam , but I try my best to tell you some advise and m opinion about the life.
You are Muslim just a short time as me too. People react different ways and I see you are still wearing "pink classes". You found the truth for you but remember that is not the truth for the father of your children. And if you force, it will never be thruth for your children. I understand you found good husband who you love and I hope this man didin't make you convert to Islam (Off the topic, sorry.) In Islam if I understand right children wollof their father in religion. And in this case their fater is not Muslim. So don't push, try to be gentle, 7 years oldis just a child. Try to read himabout Islam. play with him show him that you still are his mom, not some "alien". He must be confused, his mmom just changed everything in her life. Give him time. If you make decicions about his life without his father , the father will turn him against you. Please don't let that happen and dont' let the children be in mittle of any disagree bitween you and your ex. Remember that the boy don't know about Islam so much you do, he is maybe not interested and he didn't have the possibility to find the facts about Islam. He only followed you as children do. No he must be confused, I can believe what his father teaches him, his father is confused too probably.
Listen to your son and try to help him
Posted 30 October 2005 - 09:31 AM
Dear sis Yasmeen, parenting is not an easy thing and parenting in Islam is even harder when we do not get enough support and when we are new muslimahs.
I would like to re-direct you to this wonderful forum (many of us here use it too, so you 'll not feel ''stranger'' there :wink: , the webmaster is one of our sisters ) . The only drawback is to find the time to visit all good forums..
Sorry, I did not think of it in my first post. (It is sis Kamillah's post which reminded me of it).
You'll find many resources there and advise from mothers who have been through the same.
It is why I say Alhamdullilah, that all my children were born after me being a muslimah, because I do not know how I would have reacted but I am sure I would have done some mistakes, trying to the right thing. Al hamdullilah Kulli Haal.
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