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Homemaker 101


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#1 Guest_poise_*

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Posted 28 March 2007 - 03:00 AM

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I've posted about this previously but I need to bring it up again.

As many of you know, I am...as one might say domestically challenged. I cannot cook. At all. As in, I can watch something as simple as eggs or as complicated as bastilla, do nothing else but concentrate on watching it, and see it several times over and I will not be able to cook it. You can give me a cookbook, I will somehow ruin the recipe. I do not think it is possible for me to learn how to cook, and I NEED to know.

HELP!

I can clean. Sort of. Technically, I mostly know how but.... I have ZERO inclination to do even the smallest tasks. Even when I notice I might have to do the dishes, I try and find an excuse to get out of it. I cannot force myself to do it and no matter how much I think that I should or need to do it, I physically feel like I cannot. If laziness was a medical condition, I'd be a severe sufferer. So let alone using the skills to run a household and clean the house, or do more complicated or tasks greater in quantity.

What do I do?

Its become a joke in my house now, and it hurts me a lot because I wish I could do these things but I cannot seem to do it no matter what. When people comment about it, even a joke like 'are you going to feed your husband with your typing?' or 'what happens when you get married and your husband comes home. He'll find a pile of folded laundry and the rest of the house a mess' I will end up going to my room to cry.

I truly want to change this and become a 'domestic diva' (lol).

I come from a culture where the skills are VERY important. Moroccan sisters or sisters married to Moroccans will understand the complicated dishes and the extreme cleanliness a Moroccan wife is supposed to have. I don't know how to achieve this. I worry that even if I learn how to do the basics of these things, I won't be able to do them up to my cultural standards.

I am not used to being bad at things! I was always the top of my class, considered the smartest, the type of person who excels in many different areas. When I moved to live with my father's family, I felt like I had none of the important qualities. I do not know much arabic, and what I do know is a little Moroccan which is different from classical. I am a slow reader when it comes to arabic as I learned later in my youth. I am teased for my pronunciation of arabic words and of qur'an. Because I observe rules such as mahram accompaniment and non-mixing, I do not have any real friends or go out to do things, and now, this. I want to be the woman that is expected of me but I just don't know how to achieve it.

Insha Allah, some of you talented sisters can give me some advice and tips.

#2 mariemuad

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Posted 28 March 2007 - 04:27 AM

Assalamu alaikum,

In the UK, there are some courses for adults to learn to cook. They go from the most basic, i.e. cutting onions to much more advanced. I am sure there are similar courses in the US so it would be good for you to go to such a course as it will give you confidence. It doesn't matter which kind of food you learn to cook there as, as I said, it will give you confidence, then it is easier to move onto other foods. I couldn't cook anything before getting married but, alhamdulillah I learned and now, I cook many Algerian dishes and many Algerian brothers came to my home when they wanted to eat Algerian food and were not married yet.

As for cleaning, the families differ in how to set up standards. Even in Morrocco. Or in Algeria. A girl was refused for marriage in Algeria because, to serve tea, she took the cups straight from the cupboard to the table instead of washing them again.  blink.gif So do not let be down because your family is not happy with your standard. Another lady who came 2-3 days at my home was telling me that, even though her daughters were in their early 20s and were cleaning teh house, she had to do it again after them as she wasn't only sure that it was clean after she cleaned herself  blink.gif And many sisters will tell you to use www.flylady.net

Make du'a to Allah that you find a husband whose main concern is not the cleanliness or the food but is to have a good wife who is a good muslim. You will learn those things, just tell yourself again and again that you can do it. Even for cleaning, concentrate on one area at a time. For example, try to clean the bathroom the best you can. And, even in the bathroom, you can make sure you do one area perfectly. I think that one of the biggest problem is that you are always criticised. But I am sure you are doing a good job.

Umm Hanifa

#3 PeanutPista

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Posted 28 March 2007 - 02:26 PM

Asalaam Alaikum,

I am not in exactly your position, but feel completely inadequate next to the cleaning and cooking divas. MarieMuad gave some good advice.

A couple of other tips:
-set a goal for yourself.  Often if we look at the whole picture we can get discouraged. Set reasonable goals for the day/ week.
-build on pieces at a time. Like this week Monday's goal is this, Tuesday is this, etc. Don't overwhelm youself. Set a simple schedule so you can be successful.
-set a time each day you do these things. For me I do  the most "unpleasant" things first in the day if possible to get them done and out of the way. smile.gif
-be proud of yourself if you do what you set out to do. And if you do not do it that day, try to figure out what you were doing that distracted you. And learn from it and move on.

Also do not think of whether you are "lazy" or not. Just get going. It is about having the discipline. And I may never get to be a star but I can do fine. smile.gif

#4 Ola

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Posted 28 March 2007 - 08:40 PM

Assalaamu alaikum,

I think the main problem is that the people around you are letting you down. This may have an affect on the outcome of whatever your cooking/baking. When someone is in bad mood and cooking, things go wrong b/c you're not thinking properly.

So, just try your best to ignore these comments, when they make a "joke" about you laugh with them and take it easy. Keep on trying. wink.gif
Everything needs practise and even if we are almost perfect at cooking a certain dish, one day we may completely bust it. biggrin.gif

We also learn from our mistakes. For example, today, I was making a sponge roll cake for some guests. It broke apart. ohmy.gif But, I learned what I did wrong and inshaAllah won't repeat that mistake again. (I managed to somehow "repair" it biggrin.gif)

Anyway, don't walk into the kitchen/bathroom with this idea in your mind that you can't cook/clean. Be optimistic. Have confidence. smile.gif



#5 *mariam*

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 10:14 AM

wa Alikum asallam warahmatu Allahi wabarakatu

Sister, dont worry too much, you are probably normal biggrin.gif .

You say you will ruin any recipe; well most people who have no experience in cooking (or even those who have experience) are likely to ruin a recipe, of course they wont go into the kitchen for the first or second time and come out with an expert dish.
This is because cooking is not only following a recipe and the instructions given...it is an art and it is one of those things that you can teach yourself just by trying again and again. It requires experience, because with experience we learn and as we learn, we apply.
I dont cook much (if at all  unsure.gif ), and I dont really know how to cook many things. But that is because I have not seriously tried. and I have burnt and ruined things, but that is the only way we will learn. Dont give up sister, keep practicing and seek the help of Allah, and inshaAllah you'll be an expert. Also, say Bismillah before doing anything and do dhikr while cooking and inshaAllah it'll be blessed.

About cleaning, you say you have 'zero inclination'....that is also probably normal. Because who really wants to scrub the bathtub or wipe behind the fridge?...it's no fun.
And you probably have zero inclination, because you know that there is someone else who will do it for you, so might as well leave it biggrin.gif ....but once you are on your own (inshaAllah) you will know that no one else will do it and that you have to do it.....and you will do it, inshaAllah!

Also sister, try to clean for the sake of Allah, meaning to be kind and not let someone else do it instead, and inshaAllah, you will be more motivated to do it.
Listen to something, like a good lecture, and you'll probably forget about the cleaning, inshaAllah.

waAllahu ta'ala A'lam

Mariam smile.gif

#6 KateRoberts

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 01:41 PM

Assalamu Alaikum sister Poise,

MashaAllah, the sisters here have give you wonderful advice.

For my own two cents: when I got married I knew nothing! Did not cook at all, or clean, or do laundry. My job at my parents was to study. They were somehow confident that I would become a house diva when I got married.

SubhanaAllah! They were right!! smile.gif  In the first year of marriage, I went from knowing nothing to doing everything. Everyday, I talked with my friends about household tips, cooking, etc. And I was very eager to become domestic....because if I don't clean the house or learn how to cook, then who will do it for me?  My husband is working and I'm the one staying at home. So its all up to me, and I have all day to do my job.

Anyway, my point is: do not stress about it. You will get there inshaAllah. Here are some websites for cooking if you want to try and practice:
www.foodnetwork.com   and www.epicurious.com   The websites have reviewer ratings. Just pick something that is rated 'easy' and has highest ratings for tastiness.

Bon appetite!

Salam.

#7 kuching48

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 02:06 PM

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear Sister,

I am not a great cook either smile.gif Once you are married, InshaAllah you will have the chance to learn more. I was more restricted with my cooking at home before marriage, because my mum is a great cook, MashaAllah.

But now I have the chance to experiment with my own mistakes lol!

Try to cook very simple dishes - for example, can you make plain white rice? Spaghetti is another very easy dish.

When I am cooking, I often make dua that things will work, especially if it is a new dish. Alhamdullillah, things usually turn out well smile.gif

Take care and keep trying, you will learn InshaAllah, it just takes a bit of time to get used to it.

Wassalam Aisha


Edited by kuching48, 29 March 2007 - 02:07 PM.


#8 fkhans

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 02:14 PM

Asalamualekum warahamtullahi wabarakatuhu

oh my dear sis ur not alone im with u to giv company.biggrin.gif

May Allah(swt) give us pious brother cum gud cook inshallah coz its really too difficult to motivate meself.
OR
May Allah(swt) gives us ability to cook .Ameen.................


Allah hafiz

Faridunnisa

#9 Badreya

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 06:29 PM

Salam alaikum,
I am told I am a good cook, I don't know about great. Go one recipe at a time and get good instructions. Actualy try to do it with someone or watch them and then repeat the recipe yourself when you get home.
Do it soon or you will forget!

As far as cleaning I only know of one way to achieve the goal of a clean house and this is the rule I follow.
Clean as if you are moving!!!! Take a small bucket and a rag and fill it with your favorite soap. It helps to enjoy the smell of the soap your using.....

It's actualy more simple than it sounds because you just move things, wipe them, clean around the walls and baseboards (cause the stuff is now out of the way), wipe around the windows ( you can do windows another specific time because that type of thing doesn't have to be done as often.), sweap or vaccum and mop or whatever you need to do to the floors .............. THEN when you are done wiping everything down (coaches, tables, etc), you have to rearrange it at which time you can wipe the little things your replacing, which means you have to organize it too. So you kill all the birds in one shot. Do one room like this a day and I quarentee you you'll have a clean house. I don't know about impecable but it will definatly be clean!!!!!
Buy some magazines about storage. 1/2 the problem with any home is storage and where to put things so that it isn't a mess.

Your other option since your good in school is to become a professional and be able to hire a maid every day and don't be the domestic type! Not everyone is the type I beleive.

Edited by Badreya, 29 March 2007 - 06:31 PM.





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