9 replies to this topic

[khadi1]

                    Assalamou aleikoum sis,

Well, this is my personal opinion, not an Islamic fatwa. In my opinion, you did well and you did wrong. You did well to try to preserve someone dignity but you did wrong in  giving her your scarf therefore being uncovered. It would have been better if you gave her something else to wrap around her head, or if you did not think straight, you should have found something for yourself to wrap around your head. But, to tell you the truth, it would never occured to me to take out my own scarf to put it on someone else's head, but maybe this is because I am so used to it by now, Alhamdullilah.

Explain to you fiance that you did not think straight, and yes, you have made a mistake, and Inshallah, it will not happen again , and that you are sorry about it and nobody should accuse someone else of lying without any proof.
Just one question : you do not see your fiance by yourself, do you???
Because he is not a marham to you yet, whether fiance or not and you should not be alone with him. I do hope you know this and him .... so, maybe the scarf is a much lesser sin than him seeing you on your own.....

Dear sister, you are very new in Islam. Many times, things will seem overwhelming but remember one thing : it is the intention that counts.

Pray to Allah that your fiance sees it this way and that he will understand, providing that you do not go around giving your scarf away anymore to anyone who happens to need one :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  sorry , sis, this is not a very good joke but I am just trying to lighten the tone of my post.... :wink:                    

[Um_Malik]

                    salam alaikum
i ask Allah to ease things on you sister. it seems like you have only had relations with this one muslim guy.. try to meet muslim sisters, i am sure insha Allah they will offer help and support. Also sister whenever you consider marriage, study the person well and make sure he is islamically fit for you before anything else. Don't forget to pray istikharah (to learn how look for the sticky post called istikharah prayers in the wives forum).

the fact that you know u have done somethings wrong is a great start for repentence to Allah and be sure that the All Merciful forgives us all when we ask or else we would be loaded with sins that we cannot handle.

sister if ever u need support, we are your sisters and would be glad to help. always remember that you are never alone, the closest One to you is Allah.                    

[Noor67]

                    Asalaamu Alaikum

Dear sister Aiysha,

It seems to me that what you did was out of kindness and was an automatic response to someone else's distress. While, no one knows for sure, I like to think that Allah will forgive you for not having your head covered. After all, if a person was bleeding to death and the ONLY thing one had to use as a tourniquet was a head scarf, would it be better to let that person bleed to death? As for your fiance, Allah will provide for you. It may be that this man was not the right one and even though you must be distressed, please try to put your future in Allah.

Salaam,
~Noor                    

[Jessica_]

                    Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu,
The best advice I can give you is to go to the masjid as much as you can.  The more you go, the greater your chances are at meeting good religious women who can help you.  I think you should focus on becoming a strong muslim woman before you look for another husband.  Then you will know exactly what you want in a husband.  Allah will provide for you.  Don't forget to ask Allah to guide you.  
Jessica                    

[Sister Kamillah]

                    Asalam Alaikum,
  Your Quote:" I just don't want to loose who I am in the process".
This is a very interesting quote and kind of understand what you are saying. Sister Islam is a step by step process and not everything has to come over night in changing ourself. We all have different Internal Jihad's in our life, these are things we know may be wrong(like listening too music, watching movies, watching t.v), but we just cannot bring ourselves to change so fast. And this is fine. Take one step at a time. The best advice I can give you is to understand Tauhid (tawheed) first and then the rest will follow.We each are different in how fast we can progress, how fast we can change things that are not from Islam. Some of us take a very long time to change things, and some of us change so fast. Slow change is not wrong and in some ways may be better because we incorporate things that we are constant and able to do a lifetime. Change one thing at a time, things that you can keep with. Like start with prayer, and do this everyday 5 times a day. And then after you establish prayer move onto something else.  This is what I have done and I have never been overwhemled with my change. I had an internal Jihad with the Hijab for a very long time and through the years it became easier than before and now I wear the hijab all the time and would not think of ever taking it off. but Hijab was not the first thing I did, it took time for me, it was a struggle for me, this was my Jihad. And now that I wear it, It is a part of me and it is now easy because I was ready for it, and I wanted to obey everything that Allah (swt) said in the Quran. I have been a muslim 25 years and only the last 10 years have I wore the Hijab. Not that I was right because I knew I was wrong, this was never a question in my mind, but it was my Jihad.  So I understand somewhat what you are saying.  

One thing I must tell you, You can not have one foot in your past life(non-muslim) and one foot in your new life(muslim) and be happy. You cannot do things that are not from Islam and things that are from Islam, for the two do not mix. You must choose which path you want to totally follow in order to progress in Islam and in order to be happy(totally choose the straight path, the following of Quran and Sunnah). For if you do things that are not from Islam and You are a muslim, you will have too much guilt. Am I making sense?   To be balanced you must choose and only Allah (swt) can guide you in this respect.  Maybe you will not loose yourself, but find yourself when you finally put both feet on one side. The right side, The side that is Islam. I tried this balancing act of the one foot here and the one foot there and I know when I put both feet over on the right side, a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I found myself.

As far as you being 41 I do not think age is a factor in getting married, as long as you can still have children. I would not rush into anything unless you find a brother that is willing to teach you everything you need to learn with lots of patience (sabr).  being older or younger than someone really is not important when looking for a husband. I would look at the deen of the person.

I will tell you a brother who is religious would not go to an apartment of a women (non-marhim) and be alone with her, no matter what. There really is no dating in islam or visiting too much before a marriage will take place. I only saw my husband once.(mashallah and the first time I sat with him alone was on our wedding night after we were married) And I would not feel bad about the break up in the least, for Allah (swt) knows best what is good for you.
kamillah                    

[lowri_mai]

                    Asalaamu Alaykum

to be a good Muslim one does not need to intrinisically change their character and personality provided it is in line with Islam; Islam does not require that we totally throw away our little quirks and sense of humour etc, it does require we try to better who we are in accordance to Qur'an and Sunnah.   Some people become confused and try to totally alter their personality so they are like some robot, if we look to the wives of The Prophet SAWS they often had strong personalities but they fought to better themselves despite this.  My husband is arab and though I am not perfect he doesn't expect me to change to fit into his culture, he'd be horrified if I did.  The brother was not right for you sister Aiysha, I don't think a good caring brother would have reacted as he did plus agreeing to meet you in your home was totally unIslamic and any good brother would not even think of such a thing.  As for a sister who is 41 there is no problem getting married, even if she is unable to have children I know many who have, a lot of brothers perhaps feel they have gone past their time to have kids, or they already have them from a previous marriage, I know a couple of sisters unable to have kids who married in their 50s and 60s and are so happy Alhamdulillah, I also know younger sisters who could not have kids this was no problem for their husband

Sophie