Asalamu alaikum my dear sisters,
RAMADAN MABARAK!!! .
I have a serious issue with my son who is 15 soon to be 16, the issues i am addressing have been going on constantly for over 6 1/2 years. I am at my patientce and discipline end.
1. He nevers prays (salah) I have to tell/ask him daily to pray
2. He LIES always and never speaks the truth, (only when he is caught in a lie or feels he has no other choice)
3. He steals from me, husband, and i just discovered that he does this with others (he takes from others things in which he wants)
4. He is Filthy in character( takes on the traits of kufar), speech, cleaness (body/bedroom), he is selfish, greedy.
I am ashamed as a mother to have seen this awful characterics of my son. I know as a mother i have raised and shown my son much better than this.
It has been a constant battle, and it has come to the point where he is causing problems in the hosehold (underhandedly), that i can no longer allow him to live at home, this is causing me to think HARAM thoughts towards him (Allah (swt) forgive me). Inshallah, i have made some arrangements for him to leave (boarding school type environment) .
I would like to know the Qura'n and Sunnah way to handle this situation without me doing Haram and hellfire
Please make Du'a for me
Fi amanullah
Moonbeam
**** I have also posted in "Islamic Ruling" (not sure which area to post) :oops:
0
What is the Qura'n and Sunnah for dealing with a kufar child
Started by
Guest_Moonbeam_*
, Oct 27 2005 09:20 PM
7 replies to this topic
#2
americansis26
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Posted 28 October 2005 - 06:58 PM
Salams Sis Moonbeam
First thing you need to do is take a DEEEEEPPP breath. Then you and your husband need to sit down with him and talk to hi, (not going to be easy!) Let him know that he can tell you any and everything that is bothering him.
And listen to him. Who knows there maybe some issues at school or at home for that matter tht are eating him up inside and his only vent is to lash out in actions becuase he maybe afraid to talk to you 2 in fear you will jump to conclusions and get ideas in you minds right away.
You need to have a very open mind these days with teens/kids. This world is bad and they are exposed to sooo much. Just listen to him and take it all with a grain of sugar.
Even if it takes 2 months just work with him. IF he doesnt want to talk to you 2 maybe someone else in the family who he is close to, or family friend who he is comfortable with.
There are underlying issues and they need to be uncovered very carefully.
Sis
First thing you need to do is take a DEEEEEPPP breath. Then you and your husband need to sit down with him and talk to hi, (not going to be easy!) Let him know that he can tell you any and everything that is bothering him.
And listen to him. Who knows there maybe some issues at school or at home for that matter tht are eating him up inside and his only vent is to lash out in actions becuase he maybe afraid to talk to you 2 in fear you will jump to conclusions and get ideas in you minds right away.
You need to have a very open mind these days with teens/kids. This world is bad and they are exposed to sooo much. Just listen to him and take it all with a grain of sugar.
Even if it takes 2 months just work with him. IF he doesnt want to talk to you 2 maybe someone else in the family who he is close to, or family friend who he is comfortable with.
There are underlying issues and they need to be uncovered very carefully.
Sis
#3
Posted 28 October 2005 - 08:34 PM
Asalamu Alikum warahmatu Allahi wabarakatu
Welcome to the Forum!!!
Regarding your case, I am sure mothers with teenage sons/daughters can answer you better. :wink:
But I just wanted to say that remember sis that this may be a test from Allah for you, to see if you will be patient and turn to Him, Almighty.
You may feel that its a long test, but inshaAllah if you are patient and keep to your duty, Allah will bring relief.
Keep trying with your son, use gentle speech, leave some Islamic books about the Day of Judgment and Hellfire in his room, maybe some tapes too.
Sister, dont forget du'aa, the supplication that a parent does for (or against) their child is answered inshaAllah. So remember to constantly make du'aa for him, particularly in these last ten days of this blessed month.
Sister, inshaAllah, keep your patience, Allah will bring you relief soon.
Allah knows best.
May Allah place ease in your situation and guide your son and all the Muslim youth. ameen.
Mariam
Welcome to the Forum!!!
Regarding your case, I am sure mothers with teenage sons/daughters can answer you better. :wink:
But I just wanted to say that remember sis that this may be a test from Allah for you, to see if you will be patient and turn to Him, Almighty.
You may feel that its a long test, but inshaAllah if you are patient and keep to your duty, Allah will bring relief.
Keep trying with your son, use gentle speech, leave some Islamic books about the Day of Judgment and Hellfire in his room, maybe some tapes too.
Sister, dont forget du'aa, the supplication that a parent does for (or against) their child is answered inshaAllah. So remember to constantly make du'aa for him, particularly in these last ten days of this blessed month.
Sister, inshaAllah, keep your patience, Allah will bring you relief soon.
Allah knows best.
May Allah place ease in your situation and guide your son and all the Muslim youth. ameen.
Mariam
#4
Posted 28 October 2005 - 09:46 PM
Asalamu Alikum warahmatu Allahi wabarakatu
I have found some fatwas that may be useful inshaAllah:
:arrow: http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=q...e&QR=7833&dgn=4
:arrow: http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=q...&QR=10016&dgn=4
Allah knows best.
Mariam
I have found some fatwas that may be useful inshaAllah:
:arrow: http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=q...e&QR=7833&dgn=4
:arrow: http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=q...&QR=10016&dgn=4
Allah knows best.
Mariam
#5
khadi1
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Posted 30 October 2005 - 08:11 PM
Assalamou aleikoum wa Rahmatoullah wa barakatou,
dear sis Moonbeam, as you have had some answers here, I have deleted your duplicate post in Islamic Rulings and anyway, I had not found any fatwas answering exactly your question. :?
I wanted to forward your post www.islamtoday.com or www.islam-qa.com to have an advice tailored exactly for your needs, but I need you to clarify a few things that I can reformulate this post to get the best answer for you:
clarifications & modifications needed :
1) in the title you write : ''....for dealing with a Kufar Child''... is it because your son is from a non muslim father or do you call him kuffar because he does not pray ?? (it is essential for the Shaykh to know that, because his answer may be different for a totally non muslim child, or for one who is from muslim background but does not pray)
2 ) Quote:
4. He is Filthy in character( takes on the traits of kufar), speech, cleaness (body/bedroom), he is selfish, greedy.
err.... maybe you could be more clear on what kufaar filthy character is (unless it is really bad, just pm then ) :? (I mean, there are many decent kuffars out there, so, I need clarifications :? )
3) did you want the confirmation that it is ok to send him to boarding school as you cannot deal with him anymore?
sorry to ask the obvious, i just wanna make sure that the question will be answered in details.
you can pm me the answers to my questions.
And Ramadan Mubarak to you too , dear sis.
_________________
dear sis Moonbeam, as you have had some answers here, I have deleted your duplicate post in Islamic Rulings and anyway, I had not found any fatwas answering exactly your question. :?
I wanted to forward your post www.islamtoday.com or www.islam-qa.com to have an advice tailored exactly for your needs, but I need you to clarify a few things that I can reformulate this post to get the best answer for you:
clarifications & modifications needed :
1) in the title you write : ''....for dealing with a Kufar Child''... is it because your son is from a non muslim father or do you call him kuffar because he does not pray ?? (it is essential for the Shaykh to know that, because his answer may be different for a totally non muslim child, or for one who is from muslim background but does not pray)
2 ) Quote:
4. He is Filthy in character( takes on the traits of kufar), speech, cleaness (body/bedroom), he is selfish, greedy.
err.... maybe you could be more clear on what kufaar filthy character is (unless it is really bad, just pm then ) :? (I mean, there are many decent kuffars out there, so, I need clarifications :? )
3) did you want the confirmation that it is ok to send him to boarding school as you cannot deal with him anymore?
sorry to ask the obvious, i just wanna make sure that the question will be answered in details.
you can pm me the answers to my questions.
And Ramadan Mubarak to you too , dear sis.
_________________
#6
Posted 30 October 2005 - 08:29 PM
Salam alaikum sister,
This is my opinion and only an opinion so please take it as that.
Sending your son to a boarding school will not solve the problem. Infact it may worsten it.
Children belong to the family.
They need the family, and they need to know they will always belong to that family (beleive me this concept is very deep - kids need to know they have reliable love).
I'm not saying you don't love him but he will perceive being sent away as NO LOVE.
I remember my brothers being out of my fathers control so he packed us in the car, drove to Boston and took my brothers to his father for a year!
The point being it was still within the family.
My grandfather was a very tough man with impecable manners who would not tolerate a single step out of line from my brothers.
Quess what? They excelled, were excellent students, went on to college, graduated, both got good jobs mashallah, both were in activities, and now one is going to Harvard Law school to become a lawyer.
He may also run for an office in the political world, he wants to change the course America is taking.
Anyhow, the point is that it took a lot of patience and effort on the part of all of my family to raise us 4 kids and not only that, but to keep us in the family !!!!
I've done the same thing in the past. Send my oldest daughter to go spend some time with my father and sent my second oldest to live with my mother (who is as strict as my grandfather if not more).
My husband has been extreemly patient with my two oldest, I can't emphasis that enough.
He's a man with no kids of his own, and doesn't have the slightest idea how to raise girls (or boys) especialy those who come already made.....as in not babies.
It can be hard but I realy urge you to sit with your husband and get him to become more involved in your sons disipline even if that means actualy disiplining him and also being his friend.
You havn't realy discussed anything that is all that out of the ordinary to experience with teen agers.......boys or girls.
I've had some rough roads to go down in the recent and not so recent past with mine.
Do it before he hits that magic number 18!
After that you loose your legal rights and it is more difficult.
This is my opinion and only an opinion so please take it as that.
Sending your son to a boarding school will not solve the problem. Infact it may worsten it.
Children belong to the family.
They need the family, and they need to know they will always belong to that family (beleive me this concept is very deep - kids need to know they have reliable love).
I'm not saying you don't love him but he will perceive being sent away as NO LOVE.
I remember my brothers being out of my fathers control so he packed us in the car, drove to Boston and took my brothers to his father for a year!
The point being it was still within the family.
My grandfather was a very tough man with impecable manners who would not tolerate a single step out of line from my brothers.
Quess what? They excelled, were excellent students, went on to college, graduated, both got good jobs mashallah, both were in activities, and now one is going to Harvard Law school to become a lawyer.
He may also run for an office in the political world, he wants to change the course America is taking.
Anyhow, the point is that it took a lot of patience and effort on the part of all of my family to raise us 4 kids and not only that, but to keep us in the family !!!!
I've done the same thing in the past. Send my oldest daughter to go spend some time with my father and sent my second oldest to live with my mother (who is as strict as my grandfather if not more).
My husband has been extreemly patient with my two oldest, I can't emphasis that enough.
He's a man with no kids of his own, and doesn't have the slightest idea how to raise girls (or boys) especialy those who come already made.....as in not babies.
It can be hard but I realy urge you to sit with your husband and get him to become more involved in your sons disipline even if that means actualy disiplining him and also being his friend.
You havn't realy discussed anything that is all that out of the ordinary to experience with teen agers.......boys or girls.
I've had some rough roads to go down in the recent and not so recent past with mine.
Do it before he hits that magic number 18!
After that you loose your legal rights and it is more difficult.
#7 Guest_Moonbeam_*
Posted 10 November 2005 - 12:39 AM
Asalamu alaikum sisters
I want to thank you all for your wonderful words of kindness, concern and TRUE honesty.
I know there are some things i said in my post out of extreme anger, and without clear thinking (may Allah (swt) forgive me). But when i feel i feel i am only human with faults.
Americansis26: Thank you sister for being understanding of the teen age mind. I have talked to my son about what is going on in the past (this anger and misbehavior is from his anger towards his biological father, which i have experienced since his father and i divorced when he was 3 years old, i have since recently married, and my son loves his step father (i do not know what the correct Islamic term would be). I embraced Islam when my son was young around 7 years, i have taken him to the masjid to learn and grow with Islam he was very bright and expressive in his classes learned Arabic and few surahs from quran quickly. Some where down the road he just lost interest, and we have been bumping heads eversince. when i see or feel he is upset, we do talk about what he is feeling, why he feels this way and what can he do to help the problem.
It is just that he sneaks, and lies after he talks and tells me i will not do it again i promise. I trully believe that Allah (swt), test will come to light to it's meaning, but at this point all i can do is give him advise on his actions, problems, etc.... and leave the rest with Allah(swt).
Mariam: (you Wrote):
You may feel that its a long test, but inshaAllah if you are patient and keep to your duty, Allah will bring relief.
Keep trying with your son, use gentle speech, leave some Islamic books about the Day of Judgment and Hellfire in his room, maybe some tapes too.
Sister, dont forget du'aa, the supplication that a parent does for (or against) their child is answered inshaAllah. So remember to constantly make du'aa for him, particularly in these last ten days of this blessed month.
Sister, inshaAllah, keep your patience, Allah will bring you relief soon.
Allah knows best.
Thank you, thank you, thank you sister, your words have brung much needed peace and tranquility to my heart. For my heart has been with a heavy pain and burden. Thank you for the information via the web pages
Fi Amanullah
Khadi1: Thank you also wonderful sister for the information and your wonderful words of guidance
As to clarify my post:
1) I call him Kufar because he does not pray, read Qur'an. Correct sister a Shayk would be best to know this matter.
2) what i mean by kufar character ( he imitates the charater of very vulgar behaviors, speech (sister for the fact of respect,and humility i can not describe this in words it is very nasty and vulgur). As for cleaness his room is filthy and not kept up unless i force him to clean or clean it myself.
*** I know there are some good and decent kufar ( i hope i have clarified what i said****
3) as for the boarding school, i feel it would be good for him to get away and see, learn and experience new things and the world his lives in. This is not a behavioral school, just for him to experience things outside himself
Badreya: I truly respect your opinion sister, but there is more to this situation than i can write, I love my son very dearly ( and would give my life for him) but he has deepissues that even i as a mother can not solve, i have done conseling, disipline the list goes on. He has told me that he is angry at his biological father for not being there for him and being in his life. He is not angry at me nor does he hate me, he is expressing his feeling the best way he feels he knows how and it just so happens that i am here to see, listen and catch the anger when his father is the one he truly is angy at. He has seen his father numerous times, and expreesed how he hurt him, he told me his father did nit listen and just brushed him off. I am the one who is and has been there through everything.
boarding school is not a way of punishing him, or saying that i do not love him. I just feel this i good for him to explore and be intouch with other
areas of life. He will not be far away from me the school is close.
i have made dua, and feel that Allah (swt) will guide him and help him through this. But as for now i need to calm my heart and be at peace, and the best for now is that he is not in my presence, but in my heart. He will not be alone i will always continue to advisemy son.
I do not know you sisters but i love you for taking your time to show me much compassion and warmth.May Allah(swt) bless you and keep you always in Deen.
Moonbeam
I want to thank you all for your wonderful words of kindness, concern and TRUE honesty.
I know there are some things i said in my post out of extreme anger, and without clear thinking (may Allah (swt) forgive me). But when i feel i feel i am only human with faults.
Americansis26: Thank you sister for being understanding of the teen age mind. I have talked to my son about what is going on in the past (this anger and misbehavior is from his anger towards his biological father, which i have experienced since his father and i divorced when he was 3 years old, i have since recently married, and my son loves his step father (i do not know what the correct Islamic term would be). I embraced Islam when my son was young around 7 years, i have taken him to the masjid to learn and grow with Islam he was very bright and expressive in his classes learned Arabic and few surahs from quran quickly. Some where down the road he just lost interest, and we have been bumping heads eversince. when i see or feel he is upset, we do talk about what he is feeling, why he feels this way and what can he do to help the problem.
It is just that he sneaks, and lies after he talks and tells me i will not do it again i promise. I trully believe that Allah (swt), test will come to light to it's meaning, but at this point all i can do is give him advise on his actions, problems, etc.... and leave the rest with Allah(swt).
Mariam: (you Wrote):
You may feel that its a long test, but inshaAllah if you are patient and keep to your duty, Allah will bring relief.
Keep trying with your son, use gentle speech, leave some Islamic books about the Day of Judgment and Hellfire in his room, maybe some tapes too.
Sister, dont forget du'aa, the supplication that a parent does for (or against) their child is answered inshaAllah. So remember to constantly make du'aa for him, particularly in these last ten days of this blessed month.
Sister, inshaAllah, keep your patience, Allah will bring you relief soon.
Allah knows best.
Thank you, thank you, thank you sister, your words have brung much needed peace and tranquility to my heart. For my heart has been with a heavy pain and burden. Thank you for the information via the web pages
Fi Amanullah
Khadi1: Thank you also wonderful sister for the information and your wonderful words of guidance
As to clarify my post:
1) I call him Kufar because he does not pray, read Qur'an. Correct sister a Shayk would be best to know this matter.
2) what i mean by kufar character ( he imitates the charater of very vulgar behaviors, speech (sister for the fact of respect,and humility i can not describe this in words it is very nasty and vulgur). As for cleaness his room is filthy and not kept up unless i force him to clean or clean it myself.
*** I know there are some good and decent kufar ( i hope i have clarified what i said****
3) as for the boarding school, i feel it would be good for him to get away and see, learn and experience new things and the world his lives in. This is not a behavioral school, just for him to experience things outside himself
Badreya: I truly respect your opinion sister, but there is more to this situation than i can write, I love my son very dearly ( and would give my life for him) but he has deepissues that even i as a mother can not solve, i have done conseling, disipline the list goes on. He has told me that he is angry at his biological father for not being there for him and being in his life. He is not angry at me nor does he hate me, he is expressing his feeling the best way he feels he knows how and it just so happens that i am here to see, listen and catch the anger when his father is the one he truly is angy at. He has seen his father numerous times, and expreesed how he hurt him, he told me his father did nit listen and just brushed him off. I am the one who is and has been there through everything.
boarding school is not a way of punishing him, or saying that i do not love him. I just feel this i good for him to explore and be intouch with other
areas of life. He will not be far away from me the school is close.
i have made dua, and feel that Allah (swt) will guide him and help him through this. But as for now i need to calm my heart and be at peace, and the best for now is that he is not in my presence, but in my heart. He will not be alone i will always continue to advisemy son.
I do not know you sisters but i love you for taking your time to show me much compassion and warmth.May Allah(swt) bless you and keep you always in Deen.
Moonbeam
#8
Posted 10 November 2005 - 03:38 AM
Salam alaikum wa Allah atiki alafeya moonbeam!
Al sabr wa al hikma with your son!
I know that children can be a true test! They can test us at the most base levels of human nature!
Inshallah everything will work out for you and him!
You seem persistent and caring! Mashallah, he is a lucky child.
Al sabr wa al hikma with your son!
I know that children can be a true test! They can test us at the most base levels of human nature!
Inshallah everything will work out for you and him!
You seem persistent and caring! Mashallah, he is a lucky child.
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